Easy as Apple Pie

Ever find yourself half way through a task and wonder how the heck you got yourself into this mess? I found myself asking this very question making this mess- uh- pie. By following the simple steps below you as well can bake your way to the largest apple pie for 2 you have ever seen.


Start by going to the google.
Find recipe.
Ignore recipes with -complicated ingredients, complicated tools, and overly pretentious comments in the description of the product.
Print recipe.
Grocery shop.
Realize you don't know where the shortening is located (you thought it was beside the butter, but apparently beside the butter is margarine and beside that is cheese).
Say screw it and go back to the google to find a recipe with ingredients you already have.
Print this recipe.

End up with a stack of recipes that may or may not get you where you need to be.



Unpack apples.
Wonder why the same apples have 3 different stickers.
Debate opening bottle of wine to help baking.



Decide against the wine.
Wash delicious apples.
Wonder if maybe you bought too many...



Get apples naked. Well, not completely naked. Like apple lingerie.
Decide you hate peeling.



Start arduous task of slicing apples "thinly".
Seriously begin to wonder if you bought too many apples.
Who measures apples in cups?
8 apples = 8 cups?



Begin to lose interest in pie.
Remember he recently admitted that you have started snoring, but he didn't mind.
Back on track.

Cube butter.
Looks nothing like picture from recipe.
Contemplate wine again.



Discover instructions such as

"With pastry blender or 2 knives, cut in butter until in coarse crumbs with a few larger pieces."

are clearly less descriptive in practice than they are in theory.
Wonder if dough has too many larger pieces.
Realize it is the best you are going to do.



Hot damn, you can roll it.
Place in pie plate you bought while grocery shopping.
Celebrate with booty shake.



Get liberal with filling ingredients.
Confirm way too many apples have been purchased, washed, peeled, and thinly sliced.
Modify recipe to include brown sugar, not white sugar.
Wonder who would not use brown sugar.



Sigh with happiness at complete pie.
Debate creating national holiday or dubbing it a national treasure.
Complete by placing in oven.



Burn self on oven checking on pie.
Glad you were sober for the burn.
Return to the google for first-aid advice.
Call Mom for reinforcement.
Pat self on back with good arm for pie well done.


Decide what you are going to do with all the extra apples...